Hello friends,

I'm here today to talk to you about a vile pandemic that has been swept under the rug for far too long. A cruel injustice is taking place all around us every single day and NOTHING is being done about it! Many of you are involved in this disgusting act and those of you who aren't directly involved are guilty of negligence. Well, the time has come to take a stand, my friends. I won't sit idly by and watch these treacherous acts taking place around me any longer. 

I'm talking about dog trafficking here, people. Dogs have just as much of a right to freedom as any one of us does. Maybe they even have MORE of a right. Humans enslave themselves every single day of their lives. They enslave themselves to their jobs, video games, and even to sex. Some of us even enslave ourselves to enslaving dogs! All dogs want is to run wild and free. While humans, on the other hand, take their freedoms for granted. Give a human a mile and they'll take an inch. Give a dog a bone and it will probably hump your leg. Imagine a world where all species are considered free. Dogs running free in the streets, chasing cars, peeing on hydrants, doing it doggy style in the park..

I'm talking about basic human rights here, people! Why is it even called that? I'll tell you why! Most humans tend to believe that we are the most supreme beings on this planet. Some humans even believe that we are the highest forms of intelligence in this universe! Talk about a God complex! Well, here's something that you probably didn't realize. God is actually just dog spelled backwards. (Okay, you probably knew that). Irrelevant? I think so. Coincidence? Maybe not. Fun fact? Most definitely. The point that I'm trying to get across here is this: Human rights should extend beyond the human genus and include all creatures on this planet! (Except bugs, because they're gross). Something needs to be done about this. Does anybody reading this comprehend what I'm saying!? 

I'm talking about taking action here, people! What are we going to do to make a difference? You know what i'm going to do? I'm going to start carrying a pair of scissors with me when I go to the park and cutting leashes. I'm going to set those dogs free! Right now you're probably thinking, "That's a bad idea, Nick. What if their owners get mad?" Well, that's a ridiculously stupid question and I can't believe you even thought of it! If they get mad I'll look at them with my scary face and just stare at them until they start to walk away and then I'll throw a lasso around their neck and scream at them to sit just like the fat lady in the apartment across from me does every time her dog stands up. Then I'll spray them in the face with a bottle of water and run away. I know that there is going to be plenty of opposition and hardships along my journey to dog equality, but if Martin Luther King Jr. did it then I can, too! Because I'm a hot blooded American, dammit! I already have equality and Obama can't take that away from me! (Oh, wait). 

Set your dogs free, friends. Earlier today I packed up a sandwich bag of Ol' Roy, a $20 bill, and a pair of my wife's panties, tied them around my dog's neck and dropped her off at the dog shelter. "Good luck, Gracie," I said. "I'll always love you! Go join your people and be free!" She's probably running through the woods with a pack of Shih Tzus right now howling at the moon, licking dog ass, and being free! Every night when I look up at the moon a precious tear will roll down my cheek because I'll know that Gracie is out there under that big, bright moon somewhere and she's probably crying, too. Crying because Shih Tzus have over-reactive tear ducts, and probably because she's starving to death and being rained on, but at least she's free! Freedom is what it's all about. In the words of Mike Tyson:

"Real freedom is having nothing. I was freer when I didn't have a cent."

Which brings me to my next topic. Why do hobos have more freedom than I do!? I pay my taxes! Damn you, Obama!